


What Have I Done?

by inmyphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Smut, Suicide Attempt, Tumblr Prompt, Vomit, cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-07-16 16:43:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7275898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inmyphan/pseuds/inmyphan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil get into a huge argument about coming out.  Dan leaves after the fight, and what he comes back to changes everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Fight

**Author's Note:**

> Careful on this one, babes! Lots of TW's. This is a super angsty fic that has tw!blood, and tw!suicide. I have 2 chapters done so far. Enjoy! Feedback is VERY MUCH appreciated!

“I know when you’re bullshitting me, Phil Lester.” Dan paces the short corridor of their flat over and over, anger brewing hot and unsteady in his stomach.  “I’m sorry, baby,” Phil spills, his blue eyes heavy lidded and red from crying.  “I really didn’t think it was a big deal,” The older man lets his voice trail off.  He is unwilling or unable to look Dan in the eyes, which only makes Dan even more upset.

 

“You know what this means, don’t you?” Dan turned and whispered with deadly hush to his boyfriend.  “It means my mum is going to know.  My brother.  I know that your family is comfortable with us and loves you unconditionally,” The venom in Dan’s words makes Phil sink to the ground and cover his face with his weak knees to his chest, “but we’re not all so lucky.”

 

Phil already felt completely terrible for not editing out his remark about breaking the sofa again from their last video.  He thought it was funny and vague enough to pass as a joke.  Thinking back on it, though, he could see why Dan would be mad.  His face spells it all out: The “Phil-Stop-Outing-Us-Face.”  Phil knew this face well, and it hurt him just as much every time he saw it.

 

“Dan…” Phil’s shaking voice was almost impossible to hear through the anger pulsing in Dan’s ears.  “I’m not sorry.”  Phil looked up for the first time since this fight began, a surge of courage filling his lungs, and instantly locked eyes, fiery with anger and heavy with sadness, with the man he loves.

 

“What…?” Dan spits the word as if it’s more disgusting than Phil’s careless mistake.

 

“You heard me!” Phil yells, quickly climbing to his feet to confront Dan.  Phil was through being hidden, and he intended to make sure Dan knows it.  “I’m not some secret you can hide, Daniel!”  Phil is heaving, every breathe interrupted by a sob.  “I’m nothing to be ashamed of…  You said you just needed time, and I respected that, but it’s been five years!” His voice becomes louder and colder as anger takes the place of the crippling sadness from before.  “It’s not like everyone doesn’t already know, Daniel!  We’re B-List celebrities!  Everyone knows!  Every aspect of our lives together is on the internet for the whole world to see!” Phil yells.

 

Dan’s face drops and he shakes his head.  “Shut up, Phil.  No one knew until you massively fucked up last val-”  Dan’s face grows cold as he bites in half the sentence he dared not finish.   _ Valentine’s Day. _

 

“No, finish the sentence, Daniel.” Phil is quiet now.  Dan said nothing.

 

Phil stepped back, unable to believe what he was hearing.  “That was supposed to be private.  Just for you!  I messed up, Dan.  It was a misclick!  It was only up for a few minutes.”  Phil’s head hung low once again as he spoke, “I thought you’d finally forgiven me for that.”

 

“For ruining my life?” Dan chuckles, his arms crossed.  Dan, bless his sweet heart, has a bad habit of saying the worst possible thing at the worst possible time in the worst possible way.  Worse still, he usually had no idea how bad he’d fucked up until much later.

 

“What…?” Phil’s eyes widen.  He can’t believe what he’s just heard.  “Ruining your life?”  The room suddenly feels ten degrees colder.  Phil’s stomach does a backflip and then drops.  It’s as if he’s watching the scene in front of him play out in slow motion black-and-white.

 

Dan is romping around the flat, grabbing his keys and his coat and his phone, and before Phil could wake himself from his alternate reality, the slamming of the door did.  Dan was gone.  He hadn’t brought a bag, but he did tuck his laptop and charger under his arm.  The thought of Dan going somewhere while this upset terrified him.

 

_ What if he crashes the car, Phillip? _ “No.”  Phil tries to ignore the darkness creeping at the edge of his reality.  He tried to push it from his mind and replace it with lions and sweet, sweet kisses from Dan Howell.

 

_ What if he’s so angry he wraps the Audi around a pole just to get away from you?  _  “Shut up!  Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Phil yells at the voices in his head, now louder than he’s ever heard them before.  He grabs at his hair on either side of his head and doubles over.  “Shut up!”  Phil had always struggled with these voices.  His well meaning parents wrote them off as “bad thoughts” that any normal teenage boy might have once in awhile.

 

_ He hates you.   _ “No!” Phil throws himself against the wall, wanting only to be in Dan’s arms.  Dan’s presence is the only thing that can make the bad thoughts stop.  He’s the only one who can make everything okay with just a few words, or a sweet peck on the forehead.  Dan is the only one…

 

_ Dan... _

  
_ You ruined his life, Phillip.   _ Phil can’t help but stop to consider the dark truth in the voices.  It was like he was running at 60 miles per hour and had just run straight into a brick wall.  He could feel shocks of pain and anger shooting through him like bolts of white-hot lightning.  His head was pulsing, and slowly the world faded from his vision, and as everything went black, all he could manage before the darkness gave way was “You’re right.”


	2. The End of Everything We've Known

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same tw's apply. Stay safe, loves!

The outside air was biting and angry, much like the feeling behind Dan’s eyes.  He’d never had a fight quite like that with Phil before.  He walked the three blocks to their shared car, a tiny black 2014 Audi that Dan chose because it reminded him of Phil’s hair.  As he approached it, an almost chasm-like hole began to empty Dan’s chest.  “Oh God,” he thought, unable to move.  “What have I done?”

 

Suddenly, the ringing on Dan’s phone breaks him out of the cold sweat and startles him to a jump.  “Oh God,” He murmurs to himself.  “What now?”  He retrieves the iPhone from his pocket to see that it’s his mother.  He felt his eyes sting and his fingers get numb as he slid his finger across the screen to answer it.  “Hi, mum…”  There is a long, drawing silence.  This kind of silence that is heavy, uncomfortable, and even dark.

 

“So,” The motherly voice on the other end of the line speaks slowly, as if trying to soothe a cornered, injured animal.  “What’s the I’ve been seeing about funny business between you and that flatmate of yours?”  Dan is so shocked by his mother’s forward question that he drops his phone. When he stoops to pick it up, a shard of broken glass slits his finger, coaxing a deep red flow to trickle down and land on his shoe.  It wasn’t the pain that finally made Dan understand, but it was his mother, speaking loud enough for him to hear the angry rumbles of her voice, even from the ground.

 

He slides his finger across the broken screen once again, this time creating a runny red line along with it.  He’d just hung up on his mother, but even more than that, he’d just made a very important decision.  From that moment on, Dan was going to treat the people who were really important to him properly.  He couldn’t stand the idea of the love of his life feeling like a dirty secret to appease the angry, judgemental voice that was ringing through his ear just then.  It all made perfect sense to Dan, and he was all but angry at himself for not realizing it earlier.

 

He let his now-broken phone slide into the oversized pocket of his black coat.   _ Phil.   _ Dan turned the corner and began to sprint as fast as his long, cold legs would take him back to their flat.  He arrived and fumbled with the keys for what felt like an eternity before opening the door and running up the stairs.

 

The door to their unit swung open with a loud and eerie creek.  Phil had promised that he would remember to oil the hinges, but he’d forgotten.  Everything in the apartment was still, so still.  The silence terrified Dan.  “Phil?” He called from the open door.  There was no response.  “Phil?!”  He called again, this time with fear and urgency.  He couldn’t run.  He could barely walk, but walk he did to the corridor that just half an hour ago was filled with the angry sounds of the worst argument they’d ever had.  All he wanted now was Phil’s arms.  He wasn’t in their bedroom or in the lounge.  Dan’s entire body felt cold and white. He knew there was only one place left to look.   _ The bathroom. _  His knuckles were white as he pushed the unlatched door open.

 

Phil was much paler than usual.  He was curled into a fetal position, his face wrinkled in pain and his arms and hands curled inwards towards his chest.

 

“Oh God,” Dan’s words were a desperate, breathy prayer to a god he didn’t believe in.  “Phil.”  And then he was on his knees.  He uncurled Phil’s body and placed his head on his lap.  “What did you do, baby?”  Tears fell onto Phil’s slack, pale face.  Dan's eyes dart frantically from one side of the room to the other, searching every corner and counter with laser accuracy, until his eyes landed on an empty pill bottle, stashed behind the toilet.  Dan stretched to reach the bottle, unwilling to move his love’s head from his lap.  “Hydrocodone…”  From Dan’s last trip to the hospital.  “Oh God, Phil.” Dan gathered Phil into his arms and sobbed into his thick mess of black hair, strewn with vomit and sweat.  “Oh, God, fuck, shit, SHIT.  Phil?”  Dan began to shake the seemingly lifeless body laid on his lap.  “Phil I swear, you can’t fucking do this to me.  You can’t let me leave things like this, Phil!”  As Dan spoke, he lifted himself to his feet and, with much difficulty, lifted Phil under his arms and dragged him into the bathtub.  Dan sat behind him and forced his fingers into Phil’s mouth and down his throat, causing Phil to gag and vomit what seemed to be 6 undissolved pills, along with the other contents of his stomach.  Dan reached and turned the shower on cold, and let the water fall over them both.

 

“Come on Phil, one more, baby.”  Dan shoved his fingers to the back of Phil’s throat once again.  This time, forcing much more vomit and many more pills out.  21 pills.  21.  After vomiting, Phil was still unconscious, so Dan had to do something he promised Phil he’d never do.  Dan had to call the ambulance.

  
Dan knew everything about Phil at this point, and Phil has been very straight-forward with Dan about his mental status, his medication, and the extremely frequent doctor’s visits.  Everyone around him, from his parents to his fans, saw only a ray of golden sunshine, but Dan understood that there was a serious darkness about Phil. He understood, and he loved him despite the darkness and because of it.  Dan knew that this day could have come at any time, and he was ready.  He knew exactly what to do and what he was going to say to the doctors to ensure that Phil wouldn’t be committed.  He was sure he could take care of Phil: remind him about his medicine, hold him when he’s sad, bathe with him so he’s always clean, eat meals with him so he’s fed, and never leave his side.  Dan would’ve done all these things anyway because he loves him, and he spends all of his time with Phil anyway, it’s just now he had even more reason.

Dan picks up his phone and slowly dials 9-9-9 for the ambulance that will come and invade their space and this scene, opening for the entire world the sight of Dan and what he’s done to the man he loves.  Phil coughs and groans, clutching at his stomach.

“It hurts.” Phil moans.

  
“I know.” Dan says, wiping hot tears from his cheeks.  “It’ll all be okay.”


	3. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan brings Phil home from the hospital after their terrible fight and Phil's tragic "accident."

_ Am I in a dream?   _ The room that Phil opens his eyes to is violently lit with long fluorescent, uncovered light bulbs.  It smells of bleach and salt and something all too familiar.

 

_ Dan. _

 

Dan is sat beside the bed in an armchair that looks uncomfortably small and short for him.  His arms are crossed in front of him and his head is resting between them.  He’s snoring, the light little hiccup-like murmur that happens when he’s restless or worried.   _ Oh, Dan.   _ Phil struggles against the weight of his own corpse-like body. _  I’m so sorry, love.   _ Phil wished Dan could hear his thoughts, but he understood where he was and why, and that he’d cut it too close, and that this was going to be his reality for (at least) the next little while.  Phil focuses on his fingers and manages to stretch his hand, ball it into a fist, and return it to its previous resting position before falling back into the black hole-like, morphine induced state that was, no matter what anyone thinks, anything but sleep.  There were no dreams, only the same familiar darkness.

 

_ “I don’t love you anymore.  You’re too much for anyone to handle and too dark for anyone to ever love.  I hate you.  I hate you.  I.  HATE.  You.  Worthless.  You’re no good for anyone.  Worthless!  No one loves you.  I don’t love you.  I don’t love you.  I never did love you.” _

_ No. _

_ “I don’t love you.” _

_ NO! _

_ “I don’t lo-” _

 

Phil wakes from his horrible dream with a gasp like someone who has just taken in oxygen for the first time.  His chest is rising falling rapidly as he begins to sob, trying but failing to calm himself after his nightmare.  “Dan?” Phil’s request is desperate, raspy, and too loud for their clinical surrounding.  “Dan!”  Phil cried again, this time waking the boy who was sleeping across the room wearing, Phil noticed, the same clothes from the last time he was able to see him.

 

“Phil!”  In an instant, Dan is by his bedside, thanking every deity he can think of for the return of his sweet love.  “Phil, thank God.”  Dan leans and presses his forehead to his lover’s colder, paler one.  “I really thought I’d lost you.”  Dan sobs and his voice disintegrates to no more than a choked whisper.  “I thought I’d killed you…”  He takes Phil’s hands in his and kisses them before releasing them and tucking his tear-streaked face into the crook of Phil’s neck where he wept quietly until he could breathe again.

***

“The doctors are saying that you’ll get to go home today.” There was a small twinge of sadness behind Dan’s smile as he spoke.  Phil knew that Dan thought no one would notice, and no one else but Phil would, if he were to be honest.  Phil knew what to do to make Dan smile every moment of every day, except this very one.  He had no idea how to process any of the events that has happened since the fight, so he reluctantly ignored the pain in Dan’s eyes and vowed to ask him what was happening under that perfect brown mop as soon as they got home.

 

_ Home.   _ Visions of warmth and colourful dining chairs and potted plants flooded Phil’s memory and he smiled: genuinely, with teeth and a peek of tongue, the way only he did, and in that moment, the sadness faded from behind Dan’s warm, copper eyes, and everything was okay.

 

There was a loud rapping at the door before a doctor, tall, blonde, and sweet looking, with kind green eyes entered their room.  “Mister Lester?”  She flipped through her chart, staring intently at the page before looking up and beaming a bright smile at the tired young men.

 

“That would be me,” Phil yawned as he stretched his long arms that had been folded for far too long.

 

“Okay, perfect!” She smiled as she spoke.  “I’m Doctor Raeger, I’m from admission and release, and there are just a few things we need you to sign before we can get you out of here!”  Her upbeat demeanor was uncomfortable for Dan but, as per phil-usual, he beamed right along with her.  The Doctor flipped pages and pointed at various lines of various sizes for Phil to sign or initial or check.  Dan grew tired of the sunshine, having decided that now was not the time and he was most definitely not the place.  In his reclusiveness, he decided to reclaim his seat at the edge of the room and watch the now recovered Phil interact as the ray of sunshine he was known so well to be.  The sight, though he didn’t care much to be included in it, made Dan well with happiness, and something else entirely.  As Phil would stretch and reposition himself, he would accidentally reveal streaks of his beautiful chest and arms from underneath the tent of his hospital gown.  Phil had been bedridden for five days since the fight, and Dan had missed Phil’s body almost as much as he’d missed Phil.  The beautiful body that just a few days ago was cold, unmoving, and covered with blood, vomit, and very near death.  The thought of Phil’s corpse invades every corner of Dan’s mind and banishes every other thought of Phil.  No longer did he see shoulder blades he wanted to kiss and a neck he wanted to lazily drag his teeth over.  All he could see was cold, angry, death.

 

Dan tried to banish the thoughts of losing Phil.  They made him want to eviscerate himself, or at the very least made him nauseous and very near the point of losing it again and crying until he couldn’t breathe.  Slowly, Dan realized that he might not ever be able to touch the man he loves again, and that was terrifying.  He decided that he would try, of course, but the fear still snaked through Dan’s mind, already cloudy from sleep deprivation.   _ Will I ever get over this?  Will I ever be able to touch him again? _

Their relationship was very well rounded and happy, but also revolved heavily around YouTube and heavy, passionate, and amazing sex.

 

***

The car ride home was terrifyingly quiet.  Few mentions were made of food and movies while dan drove with his right hand only, seeing as how the other one was tightly interlocked with Phil’s.  Since his release, Dan has refused to break physical contact with Phil, which made the entire exiting-the-hospital process a pain in the ass.

 

“What’s wrong, love?” Phil asked, sweetly and sincerely as he stared intently at Dan.  Dan used driving as an excuse to not look at his boyfriend.  He didn’t think he could meet those deep blue eyes right now, especially knowing full well what they’re about to walk into.  Dan actually hadn’t left Phil’s side since he’d been in the hospital, meaning everything was exactly as it had been left by the paramedics.  One of Phil’s plants had been knocked over by a gurney, and there were empty medical supply packages strewn about the floor of their den, corridor, and bathroom.   _ The bathroom.   _ Dan lamented the idea of ever having to step foot in there again and his mind, even being miles away and in the car, was flooded with thoughts of cold showers, hollow screams, and the smell of death.

  
“Nothing.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing so hard, ahhhh!! I'll try and update daily (around a super busy full time job). 
> 
> Feedback is VERY MUCH appreciated! Thanks!


	4. The First Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil comes home (yay!) and Dan can't keep it together... until he can, and then begins the healing. They aren't talking, rather they're fucking, which is just as productive and way more fun to read.
> 
> This is some light sin with a lil dom!dan and sub!phil (I KNOW I'M JUST AS SURPRISED AS YOU ARE [???])

Dan shuts the car off and puts it in park.  Phil is staring intently at the back of his head.  It’s about to drive the poor boy mad.  He missed Dan’s eyes, their warmth, and the comfort that they always brought him.  Being so close to those eyes yet never being allowed to meet them made Phil uncomfortable, but Dan couldn’t.  He tried, but he couldn’t look at Phil.

 

Neither boy has moved or spoken since the car had been parked.  Phil stared at Dan while Dan stared at the endless line of cars that whipped past him.  He has forgotten to blink, being completely exhausted from four days and five nights in the hospital.  Even if he wasn’t the one in the bed, Dan was injured too.  Deeply, maybe even worse than Phil had been.  He thought that it was his fault.  He has always, ever since he was a small child, accepted responsibility for far too much.

 

“It’s not your fault, Dan.”  Phil blurted out, almost as if he could hear Dan’s thoughts.  And he basically could.  He knew his lover well enough to understand exactly what was going on in his head.  He’d loved him for what felt like his whole life, and there wasn’t a single thing that Dan could hide from him.  “It’s not.  It’s really not.  It was my fault.”  Dan’s breath hitched in his throat.  Phil knew exactly what to say, every single time.

 

“But, what I said to you, Phil,” Dan’s voice trailed off.  “None of it was true.  None of it.”  Dan met Phil’s eyes for the first time since the accident.  Dan’s were full of tears and Phil’s, full of forgiveness.  

“I know, Dan.”  Phil smiled a sadly sweet smile.  He wasn’t able to hold a grudge against Dan, not even for saying the horrible things that came out of his mouth during the fight.  “I love you.”

 

Dan couldn’t hold his tears back anymore.  He threw himself against the chest of the older man, awkwardly, seeing as how they were still stuffed into their car.  He balled his fists in the wrinkled, slightly smelly clothes of his love and he wept, a cathartic, cleansing action.  He was heaving, hard and fast.  He couldn’t hold it back anymore, and he couldn’t stop.

 

“Dan?” Phil cooed his lover’s name and he stroked his hair.  “Dan, it’s okay.  It’ll be okay, baby.”  Phil’s comforting words did nothing to calm Dan.  He was still wailing into his chest.  Phil’s words almost seemed to make it worse.  “Dan, come on, let’s get into the flat.”  Phil was worried now.  The only thing he knew to do was going to be difficult and embarrassing, not to mention a little unorthodox.

 

Phil wrapped his hand around the car’s door handle and opened it.  As he slipped out, Dan just slid off of him and onto the seat of the car, still crying uncharacteristically hard.  A dam had broken inside of Dan, and all of the tension and sadness and rage from the passed few days crashed out of him like a tsunami.  Phil walked around to Dan’s side of the car, opened the door, and kneeled so that he was closer to Dan’s would-be eye level.  “Dan?  Come on, love.”  Phil grabbed his boyfriend around the waist and pulled him tightly to himself.  “Come on, then.”  Phil pulls Dan to his feet, but Dan requires more support than Phil can provide in this position.  Instead, he lays his arm over Dan’s shoulder blades and scoops him up from behind his knees.  Dan curls into Phil’s chest, still sobbing inconsolably.  Phil has never picked Dan up before, and he was heavier than he has expected, but Phil still made quick work of it all.  He used his foot to push the door open to their flat after turning the handle (with much difficulty, mind you) with his elbow.  Dan had forgotten to lock it on the way to the hospital.

 

The room was extremely dark, darker than Phil remembered it being.  He begins the treacherous descent towards their bedroom so that he can lay Dan down and let him rest.  He’d taken such good care of him over the last few days, and now it was Phil’s turn to take care of Dan.  The door to their room squeaked open, and it almost made Phil laugh. He always forgets to do the handy things.  Dan refuses to use the tools.  He says they’re fascist and that he’s against them.  And in that moment, now even more than ever he fell in love with Dan.  Even in moments like this, especially in moments like this.  Their relationship had never been easy, but it had always come naturally, and so did this.

 

“Come on, baby,” Phil cooed as he laid Dan onto their shared bed.  The sheets were messy and smelled like detergent and Dan’s cologne with maybe a little bit of sweat from the last time they had made love.  He pulled the duvet over his lover who refused to unball one of his fists from Phil’s shirt.  Dan’s face was pressed into the bed.  His wails had subsided slightly, but he was still hyperventilating.  Phil knew that if he kept crying like this that he would pass out, so he was determined to calm him down.

 

“Come on, baby.”  Phil scooted into bed with Dan and he curled up against him, still unwilling to release Phil’s jumper.  “You’re okay.”  Phil began to stroke Dan’s hair, slowly and with as much love as he could possibly muster to pour into him.  “Everything is okay.”  Phil smiled as he spoke.  Comforting Dan this way felt strangely natural, and he fell into a sweet rhythm as he continued the cooing melody of assurances.  “You’re okay, I’m okay, we’re okay, I love you.”  Over and over Phil repeated the comforting words, smiling sweetly.  “You’re okay, I’m okay, we’re okay, I love you.”

 

Dan was finally asleep.  Phil’s arm and hand were numb from stroking Dan’s hair for what felt like hours.  He bent to kiss the love of his life on the forehead before he made his way off of the bed and out of the room, making sure to shut the door as quietly as the squeaky hinges would allow.

 

Everything outside of the quiet bubble of their room seemed foreign and overly dark to Phil.  He went around the flat and turned on every single light he could remember.  The last room he went to was the bathroom.   _ The bathroom.   _ Phil pushed the door open and saw exactly what he expected: the place where he layed and almost died less than one week ago.  He couldn’t help but feel stupid and selfish for almost taking his life.  The scene from their bedroom reminded him even more how much Dan needed him, even if it usually seemed like it was the other way around.  “Oh, baby…” Phil murmured as he stooped to grab the rags and cleaner from under their sink.  “You shouldn’t ever have to see this again.”  Phil scrubbed out the bath tirelessly, erasing all visual evidence of the night that everything changed.  There were no more red stains in the grit between the wall and the tub.  It might have been hours or it might have been days, Phil wasn’t sure anymore.  The rest of reality blurred out, there was only bleach and sweat.  It engulfed Phil’s senses, and it made him jump as he stood and turned to leave and saw Dan, leaning in the doorway.

 

“How long have you been watching me clean, Dan?”  Phil laughed, but Dan’s stone-still expression forced him to bite it off.  “Dan?”  Dan’s expression still didn’t move.  Dan took three steps toward him until their faces were merely inches apart.  Phil felt Dan’s hot breathe fall on this face.  “Phil?” Dan asked, something strange burning in his eyes.

 

“Dan?” Phil wondered aloud.  “Are you alright?”  Dan’s only answer to his question was a kiss.  He crashed his mouth against Phil’s, angrily and desperately, and fisted his hands in Phil’s thick black hair.  Dan usually was the one being kissed, but he had enough pent up frustration, need, and white-hot anger to do something a little out of character.  Dan used the whole force of his body pressed against Phil’s to slam him into the wall astride the tub.  Dan takes Phil’s face in his hands and tilts his head to expose his neck.  Without making a sound, Dan attacks Phil’s neck with a barrage of messy kisses and nips, the bites being uncomfortably hard for Phil, and leaving purple bruises in their wake.  “Dan?”  Phil lets out a hoarse whisper, unwilling to succumb to the tightening in his jeans out of worry.  Dan had just spent the last 3 hours sobbing until he finally fell asleep from pure exhaustion.  Phil was sure that this was just a way for Dan to not have to talk about it.  As much as Phil didn’t like it, in that moment he understood.

 

And so he gave in.

 

Ran ran his hands down Phil’s chest and to his crotch.  If Phil wasn’t already hard, he sure was now as Dan began to palm him roughly through his jeans.  “Oh God, Dan.”  Phil moans as he gives way to the touch.  He’d missed this, and it was exactly what he needed to feel alive again.  His jeans became impossibly restrictive.  “Dan, I want you to fuck me.”  That was the first thing that Phil had said to break Dan out of his trans.  He stared at Phil with warm eyes, far too blank for Phil to read them.  They were glassy and maybe even dark.

  
“I’m so, so, so, actually fucking pissed at you, Phil Lester.”  Phil gulped as Dan finally acknowledged the anger that he knew was there.  “And I plan to fuck it all out of you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know I love to keep you babes hanging off a cliff ALL THE TIME. Anyway, chapter 5 is gonna be the extra smutty one so get ready. I'm writing super fast for you babes! ♥


	5. The Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final (and longest and smuttiest) chapter. (Honestly this is 99% lovemaking, sorry it might not be dirty to appease the sin gods).
> 
> Cathartic sex, I love you's, and angst. We all live for this.

Dan takes the collar of Phil’s blue button-down shirt and rips it down to the bottom hem.  All of the buttons popped and flew sporadically around the bathroom, snapping against the tiles before landing below them, and exposing Phil’s pale and beautiful chest.  Phil lays his palms flat on the wall behind him, shuddering as goosebumps erupted from his over-sensitive skin.  Phil bit his lip as Dan assaulted his collarbone with his teeth and lips.  “Mm, Dan.”  Phil brings his arms up and wraps them around Dan’s neck, eliciting a needy sound from deep in Dan’s throat.  “I love you, Dan.”  Phil moans, and Dan pauses for a moment before focusing once again on the large purple bruise on Phil’s neck.  “I love you, Dan.”  Phil says again.  This time, Dan pauses for longer, exhales violently, and shakes his head, still not making eye contact with his lover.  “Dan!”  This time Phil shouts.  “Dan, look at me.”  Phil cups Dan’s cheeks and tries to force his face up to meet his eyes.  “Dan!”  Phil cries: a deep, harrowing cry that shook his entire form.  “Dan!”  Phil shouts, throwing his balled fists against the taller boy’s chest.  “Dan!  I love you!  Look at me!”  Phil is screaming and throwing his balled fists at Dan’s chest over and over, leaving bruises invisible to Phil beneath Dan’s black t-shirt.  “Daniel Howell.  Fucking look at me!”  Phil is hyperventilating, unable to hold himself together anymore.

 

And suddenly Dan is crying too as he raises his gaze to meet Phil’s tear filled eyes.  “Oh, God, Phil.”  Dan is gasping sporadically.  “Phil, baby, sweet heart, I’m so sorry,” Dan speaks, his voice shaky with tears.  Phil is covering his face now as deep sobs shake his entire body.

 

“I wanted to die,” Phil exclaims on the last work and sinks to the floor, his shaking knees pressed to his heaving chest.  “I was dead, Dan.  I was dead.  I was dead and you saved me, Dan, and now you won’t look at me.”  Phil can’t control himself anymore.  The tables have turned and he’s the one being carried, or drug rather, to their bedroom.

 

“I know, darling, I know.  I’m so sorry.” Dan tucks his lover into bed and lays next to him.  Phil is shaking and crying inconsolably.  Dan wraps his long arms around him and decides to ride Phil through this.  Dan was so focused on his anger and what Phil had done to him, without even considering what had happened to Phil.  Even though he had said it wasn’t his fault nearly a-hundred times, Dan still couldn’t help but feel responsible, because maybe he was.

 

The crying and screaming eventually lulled into slow breathing.  “Phil?” Dan whispered.  “Phil, babe, are you awake?”  Dan was laying on his back, staring at the ceiling.  He wasn’t sure which answer he’d prefer from his boyfriend.

 

“I’m awake.”  Phil was turned with his back to Dan.  “I’m awake, bear.”  He flips so that he’s facing Dan and he wraps himself around him like a caterpillar on a branch.

 

“Are you ready to talk?” Dan asks tentatively, not wanting to send Phil back into a spiral of memories of  _ that night _ .  Dan reaches behind his back and sets the pillows atop one another and props himself up so he’s mostly sitting.  “You don’t have to be so strong, darling.”

 

“I’m not strong,”  Phil smiled and he looked at the wall.  “I’m not strong at all, bear.”

 

“Oh, sweet heart.  You’re everyone’s ray of sunshine.  You’re the light of my life, and you’re the light of about 3 million people’s lives, and you do it all with the weight of unimaginable darkness on your shoulders.  You, my love,” Dan uses his thumb to wipe tears from his eyes. “You are so strong.”

 

“If you cry, I’m gonna’ cry.” Phil admits, trying to fight the burning in his throat.

 

“You can cry, love.” Dan tucks a tuft of Phil’s unwashed hair behind his ear, revealing a piercing blue eye staring up at him, now beginning to well with tears.  “You can always cry.”  Dan lays his hand on Phil’s hand and strokes his hair sweetly.  “No one expects you to be okay right now.”

 

“No one knows but you.”  Phil worried aloud.  “I can’t make videos like this.  What are my subscribers gonna’ do without me for, what?” He sighed in exasperation.  “Weeks?  Months?”  Phil felt anger begin to take the place of sadness in his heavy chest.  “I’m so mad at myself for giving up.”  Phil admitted.  “All because of some stupid fight?”

 

“It really wasn’t stupid.” The guild was slowly creeping up the back of Dan’s neck.  It was cold and strange, yet all too familiar from the past few days.  “I left you.”  Dan shook his head sadly, brown eyes downcasted in what Phil could only interpret as shame.  “I promised that I’d never leave and I did.  I knew what I was doing.  I wasn’t even the one who should’ve left.”  Dan lifted his head and met Phil’s beautiful albeit confused eyes.  “If I were you, I would’ve left me.”

 

“Dan?” Phil questions, shocked at Dan’s unexpected words.

 

“No, really, think about it.” Dan’s voice grew louder, intruding on their quiet space.  “It was my fault you almost died.”  Dan looked at Phil and shook his head, mouth hanging slackly open.  “If you had died, it would’ve been my fault.”  Dan’s brow furrows as he is once again bombarded by the image of his lover: lifeless, covered in blood and vomit, and pale, deathly pale.  His eyes are screwed shut as he fights the image back into his subconscious.  Before Dan could continue, Phil kicks the blankets off and straddles Dan, his legs on either side of Dan’s waist so that he can lock eyes with the man he loves.

 

“I’m going to say this once more, Daniel, and then I’m never going to say it again.”  Phil cups Dan’s cheeks between his long fingered hands and runs his thumb over Dan’s thick bottom lip.  “This.  Was.  Not.  Your.  Fault.”  Dan tried to turn his head to look away from Phil’s extremely intense gaze, but Phil kept his face locked between his cold hands.  “It just wasn’t.”  Phil smiles, brilliantly, showing off his teeth.  The smile was slightly sad, but entirely genuine.

 

“But-”  Phil cut him off.

“No. Actually shut up.”  Phil breathed into Dan’s lips as he kissed him.

“Phil, I can’t, I just ca-” Phil cut him off with another kiss, this one deeper and weighted with need.  He wraps his fingers in Dan’s messy brown hair and deepens their kiss further. Dan allowed  Phil to explore his mouth with his tongue by parting his thick lips to let out a needy sigh.  Phil breaks their kiss to pull Dan’s shirt over his head.  “Are you okay to be doing this?” Dan asks, trying to mask the burning need in the pit of his stomach to be touched.  “I mean,”

 

“Shut up,” Phil leans in to breathe in Dan’s ear “And take off your pants.”  Phil grins and takes Dan’s earlobe between his teeth.  His breathing is heavy and quick in Dan’s ear so he tilts his hips up so that Phil can help him pull his track pants down his legs.  Phil dismounts the exposed and slightly self-conscious Dan to pepper kisses down his chest.  Dan squirms under his boyfriend’s mouth as it finds one of his nipples.  Phil first rolls it with his teeth and flips at it with his tongue.

 

“Oh, God, Phil.”  Dan bites his bottom lip and arches himself towards Phil’s mouth.  “Yes.  Oh, God, please Phil.”  Stirred on by Dan’s need, phil moves his hands down to Dan’s crotch and begins to palm Dan teasingly through his boxers.

 

“Does it feel good, baby-boy?”  Phil purrs.  Dan responds with a moan and a buck of his hips toward the much needed friction.  “I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel.”  Phil hums into Dan’s neck as his hand dips into his boxers and grabs Dan’s already hard length.  Phil begins to pump him slowly and slide his thumb over the slit of Dan’s cock.  Dan’s eyes screw shut as his breathing becomes quicker and more erratic.  

 

“Phil, please, I need you.”  Dan cries through clenched teeth.  “Please?”  Dan moans loudly, a deeper needing heavy in his voice.  Phil complies and helps Dan pull off his boxers, allowing Dan’s leaking erection to spring free.  Phil stands and pulls off his own shirt lazily, leaving his boyfriend squirming impatiently on the bed, and tosses it on the floor.  He let his hand trail down the the waist of his jeans and unbuttoned them.  They’re already uncomfortably tight around him.

 

“Is this what you need?” Phil smirks and grabs his cock over his jeans, teasing Dan into madness.  Dan mewls in response.  “Is this what you want, baby-boy?”  Phil stalks slowly over to the bed and drops his pants once he gets within an inch of Dan.  “Get me ready, baby?”

 

Dan stares up at him and turns to take Phil in his mouth.  Dan bites his lip and looks up at his boyfriend as he wraps his left hand at the base of Phil’s leaking cock as if he’s asking permission.  Phil’s sharp intake of air at Dan’s touch is answer enough.  Dan parts his lips and takes Phil’s head in his hot mouth, flicking his tongue playfully over the slit.  Phil tilts his head back, exposing his prominent Adam’s apple and the purple marks Dan had left earlier.  Dan takes the cue and slowly pushes Phil’s considerable length into his mouth until he feels it brush the back of his throat.  Dan hums as he remembers how much he loves the taste of Phil.  The vibrations caused Phil to grit his teeth and fist his hands in Dan’s hair roughly.  “Fuck, baby, can I please move?”  Dan hums again, the eyelashes around his big brown eyes fluttered, giving Phil the permission he needed.  He slowly began to fuck Dan’s mouth, each thrust came with a sharp intake of breath from between Phil’s teeth.  His thrusts became more sporadic before he finally stopped and pulled out.  “I don’t wanna come like this.”  Phil hums.  “I want to feel all of you, baby-boy.”  Dan complies and lies on his back as Phil opens the drawer of their nightstand and pulls out a small bottle of lube.  “Do you want this?”  Phil looks in Dan’s eyes and gives him a half smile.

 

“I want you, Phil.  Please, I need this.” Dan breathes.

“Just as much as I do,” Phil acknowledges.  The boys look at each other and smile.  “I’m going to make love to you, Daniel.”  Dan’s breathing hitches in his throat.  “So spread your long, pretty legs for me, baby.”  Dan complies, exposing himself to his lover.  “Mmmh, there he is.”  Phil hums with a slight giggle as he coats his index finger with a generous amount of sweet smelling lube.  Dan blushes and covers his face with his hands.  “Ready, baby?” Phil smiles as he asks, finally feeling normal again.  Sex had always been cathartic for the boys, and it was, now even more than ever.  Dan and Phil needed this, desperately and equally.

 

“I’m ready,” Dan breathes as he relaxes, knowing exactly what to expect.  Phil pushes his finger against Dan’s entrance, placing a few light kisses on his inner thigh before pushing it inside.  Dan moans loudly, relishing in the intimacy as much as the feeling.  Phil moves the finger in and out slowly, careful not to break the balance between Dan’s pleasure and discomfort.  Phil curls his finger, stretching him for another finger.  He adds the seconds finger and another squirt of lube before scissoring Dan.  “Fuck, babe, fuck it feels so good.”  Dan’s head was tilted back and his jaw was tightly clenched.  Phil took the cue and quickly curled his fingers towards Dan’s prostate, finding it with ease, and brushed it lightly.  The younger man bucked onto Phil’s hand, his cock twitching and leaking with need.  “Baby, please, more.  More.” Dan mewled loudly.

 

“Okay, baby-boy.  Okay.” Phil purrs as he slips a third finger into Dan’s tight entrance.  “Does this feel good?”

 

“Fuck, Phil, I need you.  I need all of you, please?” Dan moans desperately as Phil knocks his prostate twice.  Phil is enjoying himself now, making Dan need him, making Dan feel him.  He pushed himself further up the bed and placed a light kiss on the base of Dan’s rock-hard, neglected length.  Dan’s only response was nothing less than a muffled scream.  “Phil?” Dan cried as Phil took his whole length at once in  his mouth.  Nothing existed outside of the sensation Dan was feeling.  The constant assault on his prostate and the white-hot, tight heaven engulfing his cock blinded him.  His breathing spiked as he bucked his hips into Phil’s hand, forcing his entrance to open more and over stimulating his prostate.  He bucked once, twice, and on the third time he shouted, back arched and eyes screwed tightly shut.  “Fuck, Phil, I’m gonna come!  Phil, fucking, fuck.  Shit, Phil!”  Dan came in hot ribbons down Phil’s throat.  He immediately pulled his fingers out of Dan and pulled him onto his lap, face to face, forehead to forehead.

 

“Can you take more, baby-boy?  I don’t want to hurt you.” Phil murmured as he kissed his boyfriend’s forehead.  Dan nodded weakly, still craving Phil’s touch.  “Okay, sweetheart.  Tell me if it’s too much.”  Phil added some more lube to his length before lowering Dan’s tight ass slowly onto it.  Dan mewled and rested his forehead on Phil’s shoulder.  Dan was resting fully on Phil’s lap, and he felt like he was full enough to be ripped in half,

 

“You can move,” Dan sighed.  “I wanna’ feel it.  I just wanna’ feel you.”  Dan leaned into Phil, raising his ass halfway up Phil’s length before slamming himself back onto it, making direct contact with his already over sensitive prostate.  The stimulation made Dan scream out Phil’s name and throw his head back.

 

“No, baby,” Phil spoke as he guided Dan’s head up so their eyes met once again.  “I want to watch you come apart again.”  Phil started pumping into Dan hungrily, searching for his own long overdue release.  Phil captured Dan’s lips in a messy, broken kiss as he took him.  The rhythm of Phil’s thrusts shook them both as they stared at each other.  Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s neck for support as he assaulted his prostate over and over.  Phil’s thrusts became more and more choppy, uneven and sporadic.  Dan bit down on his bottom lip and sucked in air through his teeth.  “I’m close, Dan.  Shit, Dan I’m close.”

 

“Look at me,” Dan whispered, his hands cupping Phil’s face tenderly. “Come with me.” He crashes his lips against Phil’s, instantly teasing his tongue as they both come loudly: Dan in between them and Phil deep inside of Dan’s soar ass.  Phil fell back, still holding Dan close to him so that he was laying on top of him.  It could have been years before either one of them spoke, each one basking in his own post-cotial bliss.  Their breathing slowed and became in tune, and Dan traced the sharp lines of Phil’s torso with his fingers.

 

“I love you so much.” Dan smiled into his love’s chest with the assurance that they had both made progress today.

 

“I love you too,” Phil places his hand on Phil’s head and strokes his hair sweetly, a smile creeping at the edge of his lips.

 

“We still have to talk, love.” Dan breathes in the sweet smell of Phil, resigning himself for now that it was all he needed.

 

“And we will.”  Phil promised.

  
And that was that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is super duper appreciated! Thanks so much babes! ♥


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